Bad Dreams, Better Reality

I had a dream last night that I was being held hostage.  Well, not really hostage.  There was no ransom.  This man was just keeping me locked up and telling me about all the horrible things he was going to do (or had done) to my loved ones.  It was awful.  I can't exactly remember what the man looked like except that he was pretty normal.  I mean, he didn't look like the type.  It seems to me that, at one point in the dream, I thought he looked like a college professor or something.  And he didn't say anything about hurting me.  I didn't feel as if my life were in danger.  He just seemed to want to do brutally awful things to my friends and family and boyfriend (and even the animals I love) and then let me go. 

So, anyway, I woke up at 4:40 this morning completely wigged out and scared.  I hate it when my own head turns on me that way.  Having an anxiety disorder is bad enough sometimes when other people are involved, but when I'm asleep and my own brain comes up with this stuff and won't leave me alone, it's awful.  I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning because I was still freaked out and really exhausted.

I should have known it would happen, though.  I was on edge most of the day yesterday.  I even had to take something in the middle of Mass.  It seemed like there was so much noise, and I couldn't block it out and focus on Monsignor.

Sometimes I hate that this happens to me.  It makes me feel weak and damaged.  Even though it's been like this my whole life; it just wasn't diagnosed until last year. 

I wonder if it will get better when I'm married?  A lot of my anxiety right now is centered on That Guy and whether or not he'll get sick of me.  It seems like it's more difficult for me to be in a relationship sometimes.  More difficult for me than for other people, I mean.  I spend too much time worrying about doing something wrong, like it will flip a switch and make that person not love me anymore.  Or love me, but not be in love with me.  Make them not want to be with me.  You know?  I struggle very much with feelings of self-worth and self-doubt.  I know I'm capable of great things, like anybody else, I just fear rejection by others more than probably anything else.  It's the worst feeling.  The absolute worst.

And, yes, it's happened to me.  Not an, "I'm just not that into you," kind of thing, but actual rejection.  I think I'd feared it in the vague way most people do before that, but once I experienced it it became a preoccupation.  I never, never, never want to experience that kind of thing ever again, as long as I live.

Hoooooooo.  I feel like I need to take a deep breath.  Maybe stretch.  I wish I could get a massage or something.

I'm taking steps right now to try to be a stronger person.  Well, that's not fair.  I am a strong person.  In spite of all my anxiety, when it comes right down to it, I'm the person people rely on.  It's one of those weird things about me; I fear the unknown to the point of distraction sometimes (not all the time, but sometimes), but when faced with a problem that makes other people freak out, I'm right there with a cool head and a plan of action.  But, anyway, back to what I was saying.  I'm taking steps to build a stronger foundation for myself in hopes of eliminating a lot of the omnipresent fears I have, which sometimes make my whole world feel like it could fall apart.

The biggest thing is my finances.  I'm following the Dave Ramsey baby steps, and I'm currently in my debt snowball.  I filed my taxes on Friday and know what kind of refund I'm getting, and all of it's going towards my debt snowball.  My biggest monthly payment could be eliminated as early as August (though I'm going to work to get it knocked out even earlier than that.  It's a personal challenge to myself). 

Money has always been a major source of anxiety for me.  My parents aren't great with it, so I learned next to nothing about how to handle it.  I also bought into the myths about money, like "Everybody has a car payment, there's nothing wrong with it," and, "Credit cards are a privilege."  I also got into a bad habit (inherited from my mom) of equating shopping with happiness.  So when I was sad?  I went shopping.  I still struggle with this sometimes, if I’m honest.  Though, the few times I’ve actually gone shopping on purpose, I’ve discovered that I actually hate it.  Like, hate it.  That Guy likes shopping more than I do.  I can shop more easily for stuff for the kitchen or apartment or other people.  I love grocery shopping in really nice grocery stores (Fresh Market, Whole Foods, etc.), but clothes shopping makes me feel bad, mostly because I associate it with so much misery.  Meaning all my clothes shopping in the past got me into tremendously bad situations.

So, anyway, getting out of debt, following a budget, having an emergency fund, all of these things already give me peace of mind.  I can actually think about my finances to calm myself down when I’m anxious about other things.  Do you understand how insane that is for me?  I love it, though.  It lets me know that I’m on the right track.

That Guy is the person who got me started with this.  I told him once that, even if we broke up, he’s changed my life for the better in a permanent way.  Not that we’re in danger of breaking up or anything, my point was just that I wanted to let him know how significant this is.  And also?  We’re on the same page financially, before we’re even engaged.  We don’t have combined finances, we operate separately, but both of our budgets are transparent to each other.  We’ve talked in GREAT detail about how we feel about debt, loans, spending, etc.  We both think Dave Ramsey is more or less a prophet (*L*).  I see the way other people talk (or don’t talk) about money, and I know That Guy and I have something different.  Beautifully different.  And because of him, even if I wind up on my own, my life as a single, debt-free person will still be beautiful.  It’s a gift.  I hope I can pass it on to others someday.

Wow!  Would you believe that the way I felt when I started writing this post is completely different from the way I feel now?  See?  I told you talking about money calms me down.  *L*  What a complete turn-around from this time last year.  Thank God.

Later, gators.