Happy Sunday everybody. Apart from going to Mass super-early, I have taken the day off. I've done some laundry and changed my bed linens, but apart from that it's been gloriously lazy. I'm currently in bed with my frozen feet tucked underneath a fuzzy, warm blanket while I surf the net and listen to The Girl Who Kicked a Hornet's Nest on audiobook.
I worry I'm getting a migraine, though. My vision's gone a bit wonky today in my left eye. It's just a hint of the migraine halo, but it's enough to make me think that reading or watching TV might not be in my future this evening. I'm sure sitting here on a computer isn't the best idea either. Merp.
My roommates brought home a couple of bunnies last Monday. They're super cute, and my roommates seem to be going out of their way to keep the apartment clean now that there are animals. They are messy (my roommates), and it's been a constant source of irritation and stress for me while I've lived with them. I'm not a neat freak, but I like organization, and I despise things being dirty. For example, I always keep the kitchen clean. Partly because it's more convenient for the next time I want to cook, and partly because leaving food messes attracts bugs and bad smells and is just... gross. Blech. The kitchen still doesn't get cleaned when they cook, but they've been great about vacuuming and keeping stuff off of the floor, because they like to let the bunnies hop around the living room when they're home.
I'm moving out in June anyway. I'm actually going to start packing up my car this week, and I'll be bringing a load of things over to my parents place and That Guy's apartment on Thursday. Since I'm getting out of debt, my parents have graciously offered me a room. I don't really want to move home -- I like having my own space very much -- but I get along with my parents, and it will absolutely allow me to pay down debt/save money. It won't last longer than a year. Ostensibly I'll start saving up for a wedding this summer too. That Guy says he's going to propose before August, and we'd get married in the summer of 2014.
Sometimes I wonder about that. I love him very much. He's my best friend. But I worry about how good I'll be as a wife. I worry about being a good spouse. I have a hard time letting things go, including some things that happened early on in our relationship. They still hurt my feelings, still come up more often than I'd like them to. That Guy tries dealing with them (and succeeds, usually), but I definitely fear he'll get sick of me. He says he knows he's made mistakes that have contributed to this, so he feels like it's only right that he help me out now, but I also think that, eventually, he'll just decide it's not worth it with me, and we'll break up, and the next woman he likes he'll just try to do better from the get-go so she doesn't have these same issues to deal with.
I fear that a lot. I also feel like being alone can't get me hurt. I'm good at being single. I fill my life with books and films and friends and family. I've never sat at home pining for a boyfriend. I don't sleep around to fill some void in my soul or drink to excess or anything like that. I hate dating. I like my own company. I just have a hard time believing anybody else likes my company as much as I do. That's why I fear people will get sick of me. So I struggle with feeling like it'd be better for everyone involved if That Guy just moved on without me. I've never loved anybody like I love him, and I've never seen myself with somebody like I see myself with him. But can I let go of the hurt and the fear? More than that, can I let go of feeling like I'm meant to be single, like I'm so good at being self-sufficient for a reason? There are lots of people out there who can't stand being out of a relationship and who make self-destructive decisions when they're single. Maybe I should clear the way for them? I seem to be the opposite; I seem to fall apart when I'm with somebody else. Well, that's not entirely true. It's happened with two guys: my first serious boyfriend and That Guy. The second serious boyfriend, the one between the first one and That Guy, that was an amazingly level-headed, stable relationship. Not one with a viable future, but one that was safe and secure and which almost never involved arguments or hurt feelings. Even the way we broke up was so sane. It helped that it was a long-distance relationship, so I was, more or less, single the entire time. Like I said: I'm good at that.
I asked That Guy if he thought my struggle to move on meant that I wasn't meant to be in a relationship, but he said he didn't know what it meant. That kind of hurt my feelings. I wanted him to tell me... I don't know. Something else. Anything else. It makes me feel like my hunch is right. Maybe too many bad things have happened and I've just made myself impossible to be with. It seems easy not to take me seriously as a life partner. None of my boyfriends have. That Guy does now, but didn't when we first got together, and it impacted me deeply. It makes me think that, whatever he says, it's never going to be as serious as I always hoped it would be, from the moment I met him. I let myself feel too much, maybe. I let myself think I meant as much to him as he almost immediately meant to me. Nobody'd ever meant so much so fast, everybody always had to spend lots and lots of time getting to know me before I let them in. But with him I felt it right away. I loved him before we ever even dated. And maybe that was a mistake. Maybe if I hadn't felt so much so fast, the mistakes he made in the beginning wouldn't have meant so much, hurt so much, and wouldn't have left such wounds.
He's sorry. I know he is. But I fear that if he could act that was once, he could act that way again. I know why he did back then. He had baggage. But now I feel like I have baggage. He dropped his off, and I picked it up. Stuff I haven't thought about for years, stuff that didn't have a negative impact on my last relationship are having an impact on this one.
I wish I knew what to do.
I wish I felt as safe and secure and stable with him as I do with myself.
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